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What are boundaries?
I like to think of boundaries as your personal rule book for what you allow into your life, for what you allow out of your life, and for what you put into the world. The best part of your rule book is that it is not set in stone. When you realize things could be better, you can change up the boundaries and change up your life. The University of California, Berkeley defines boundaries as the “limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships” (23).
If you go just a little deeper, you will find that there are different types of boundaries. The first type of boundary is a personal boundary. These are the rules you set for your relationship with yourself. An example of this would be no electronics for the hour before bed. The second type of boundary is an emotional boundary. These are the rules you set for the feelings and vulnerabilities that you share with others. An example of this may be a life experience you only talk about with your inner circle. The third type of boundary is a material boundary. These are the rules you set for the materials that you are willing to share with others. An example of this may be your friends can borrow dresses that have already been worn. The fourth type of boundary is a physical boundary. These are the rules you set for the physical interactions you share with others. An example of this may be accepting handshakes instead of hugs.
How does one set and maintain boundaries?
Evaluate each of the types of boundaries. Ask yourself these questions for each type:
What can be set within each type of boundary for my relationship with myself?
What can be set within each type of boundary for my relationship with my friends?
What can be set within each type of boundary for my relationship with my family?
What can be set within each type of boundary for my professional relationships?
What can be set within each type of boundary for new connections?
Write down what you come up with and start showing up in your life this way. Be sure to clearly communicate your boundaries with those you are setting them with so that they are aware. Notice how things change. Revisit your boundaries quarterly to assess what is going well with them and what could be changed.
Why are boundaries important?
In the most basic form, boundaries are important because they allow you to respect yourself. One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 39:14. It reads, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (24). When you set and, more importantly, when you follow your boundaries, you are acknowledging that you are wonderfully made and you honor your worth. If I have learned anything in life, it is that you are the one person that you should honor. I do not mean that you should not honor God, your family, or your friends. Rather, I mean that you should not look for your worth in material things or in others. The moment you find your worth within yourself simply because you are you, is the moment you are free.
Other benefits to setting boundaries include . . . improved relationships, improved emotional health, clear expectations, decreased stress and anxiety levels, and increased self esteem (25).
What do strong boundaries look like?
A strong personal boundary looks like not compromising values for another person’s gain. It is staying true to who you are and what you stand for no matter the circumstance.
A strong emotional boundary looks like sharing personal feelings, thoughts, and information in an appropriate way. It is not breadcrumbing and it is not oversharing.
A strong material boundary looks like allowing a close friend to borrow your car instead of a stranger.
A strong physical boundary looks like staying home to rest when your friends are going out.
What do weak boundaries look like?
A weak personal boundary looks like accepting forms of abuse or disrespect.
A weak emotional boundary looks like doing everything yourself and not asking for help even when you know you need it.
A weak material boundary looks like overgiving especially when the things you are giving away are things you need.
A weak physical boundary looks like allowing new connections to hug you when you feel more safe with a handshake.
How does one bounce back when we break a boundary?
First, give yourself grace. You are only human, so the chances of you messing up are 100%. Next, do a little self reflection for what went wrong and what you could have done better. Be prepared for the situation to repeat itself and be prepared to handle it differently because the lesson will keep showing up until we learn it. Then, choose to honor your boundary the next time the lesson presents itself. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself.
What does all of this have to do with Alice-Hilton?
🦋⛲️🫖💾🪺
🦋 For doing great. Boundaries, in my opinion, are the foundational piece for building healthy, strong, and meaningful relationships. When we can honor the boundaries of others and when our boundaries can be honored from them, we build trust and the opportunity for deeper connection.
⛲️ For Grandmillennial. Whether your style is grandmillennial, minimalist, or tomboy, setting boundaries helps identify who you are and helps you stay true to who you are.
🫖 For Living in Wonderland. When you are living as your authentic self, boundaries are needed for you to maintain life as your higher self in wonderland.
💾 For Getting Digital. Boundaries are important in your professional life. They can protect what you have worked so hard to build.
And, what do boundaries have to do with cowboy and rain boots you ask? Absolutely nothing, just a cute picture.
Thanks for visiting Alice-Hilton. Share this blog with someone who is doing great. We hope you leave here feeling like you have emerged into the beautiful butterfly that you are.
AND, YOU ARE DOING GREAT 🦋.